frankly_vulgar

monday to be exact. didnt do much. had an unproductive day. Moked a couple of bowls around noon time. followed by a buch of nothing. watched tv, slept and ate. smoked some more when the sundissapeared. ate some more. followed by more tv that i wasnt paying much attention to. then slept the night away. this kind of day would be what i needed to forget all the stress of work but now that im outta work its not as fun. feels like a waste of my day. since i lost my job everything seems like a waste. im running out of money. i need a job soon. i wanna go back to working the week away and enjoying my time off doung productive and not so productive things (like yesterdays waste of a day) and not just wasting the day away doing nothing, hoping the weekend would come sooner. i desperately wait for the weekend cuz thats when i get to leave the four walls that cage me in. i get to talk to other humans! it was what i looked forward to but now im so broke that i just stay in to avoid the temptation of wasting whatever money i have to my name. it sucks to know that my life revolves around money, MONEY! the best and worst part of everyones life. wish i didnt need it, but i do. even if i didnt need to pay rent and other bills i would still need money! i would need money to do what i want. no, not just party and drink and buy useless shit (btw, all that stuff rocks) i need it to go back to school. its all i really want. i want to learn again. i wanna be able to make money 9always goes back to money) doin something i enjoy.

FUCK!

i refuse to give up. not yet atleast. i know someday i will have to admit defeat but for now i will keep fighting.

Even since I lost my job my life has become so boring! It was the only place that i knew would always be there. Its comforting to know that something will be there no matter what. Guess i spoke too soon. Getting fired for an accident wasthe worst part. I didnt even have the opportunity to explain myself. Nobody cared to hear my explanation. their loss, really. i was a great employee.

My only other comfort zone was with my exboy. That went to hell least October. I kept my head up high for the first few months but i think it was all a front. The lonelyness, sadness and doubt about my decision has set in. Heart break sucks! My first real broken heart. I think it hurts even more because i broke my own heart. Is that possible? I'm here to tell you that it is.

Confusion!
What the fuck?! I dont need this shit. Not now. I've got so many other worries in my life. When will I find a job? I'm starting to run out of money. Will i have to move back in with the parentals. My life is going nowhere fast! I wanna go back to school. I second guess the people that say they have my best interests at heart. I feel so alone. Iscream so loub but no one hears me. On top of all that shit I have to deal with "The Broken Heart". I thought I was doing well, but I'm really not. I fucked up. You see. the ex came over to just hang out. It was nice. I missed 'em a ton. We just watched tv. then when it was time to leave I asked em for a kiss. He refused, but quickly changed his mind. It felt so right but I knew it was wrong. Oh so wrong. A big step in the wrong direction for the both of us.

WHEN WILL I LEARN?!?!

never thought i would share any of my poems (more like attempts at poems) with anyone but i wanted to just slap these here on LV for the world to see. any thoughts, good or bad, are much appreciated.

Im terrible with titles, thats why theyre untitled 1 and 2,


Untitled 1
Fun and free is the life for me
Or is it?
Peaceful and alone
Wish I had someone to hold
Fucked it all up cuz i got fed up




Untitled 2
Kicked to the curb always
Never good enough
Not even for myself
If its not too late to make things right, it will be soon enough
Put myself through the ringer
Cant pull out the stinger
Push me over the edge
Throw me to the wolves

I thought it would be fun to be asked random questions and share some insight about me. Enjoy.....


1. What's something you'd really like to say to somebody but can't/haven't?
There is a ton of things I would like to say to many people but never have. Probably never will. Here we go!
-Dude! Wouldnt you rather have invest money on your son instead of those fake boobs you bought and couldnt afford?
-I know you love to talk and I enjoy that about you but can i say something once in a while?!
-Why cant you love me for who I am? Its hard to keep up with who you want me to be. I feel like im loosing myself.
-Im sick of you only coming around when it involves something YOU want to do.
-Stop being a flake!

Wow. It felt good to sorta get that off my chest.

2. If you could choose one musical instrument to be really really good at, which would it be?
Im gonna have to go with a keyboard or some sort of synthesizer cuz then i would be able to create all sorts of sounds and imitate other instruments! Wohoo,

3. Do you prefer emails, phone calls, texting, handwritten letters...etc. What's your preferred means of communication?
Hands down, no buts about it, texting! AIM on my phone is great also. I wanna be able to do other things while i converse with people. Watch TV, clean up, listen to music, etc. Phone conversations get on my nerves sometimes. If its not gonna be in person, shoot me a txt or an instant message!

4. What was an action you took that you really regretted afterwards?
Not finishing school. Now I feel like I like so many abilities that would help me achieve a better income. Dont get me wrong, im doing fairly well but I hope to return to school when i get myself back on a better financial road.

5. Oh man, you like Scrubs too? (That wasn't the question. I was just reading your profile.) Is there anything in your possession at the moment that you already know who you would like to give it to, should you, say, die? Morbid, I know, but what is it, and who would it be? (Wow, three questions in one. Cheating? Nooo, not me...)
Holy crap! What a loaded question. The best one so far? indeed! No. I do not like Scrubs, I love Scrubs! Great show. Im having a blast watching re-runs and catching up. The second question is a bit disturbing but that is why I enjoy it so much. Ive already givent though to many things like this. Ive thought about what I would say to people if I knew i was gonna die soon. I would leave all my cameras, photographs and books to my amazing cousin. My journal (yes, I still write on paper) and movies would go the my best friend Joanna. My music collection would go to varied people. I want it in the hands of people who will appreciate it as much as I do. My ipod will go to my youngest brother. My computer to my oldest brother. I want all my clothes to be given to charity. My pipe will go to Jessica. Last but not least, my dead baby sqishy skeleton thing would go to Alex.

It haunts me mercilessly. I think too much. Its become quite a problem. Perhaps if I could just turn my brain off, things would get better. Reality check to self! It's not happening. No way. No how. I've tried. Really have. I just cant bring myself to do it. I feel like a damn fool for being this way. You must be wondering why I'm so hung up on all this doubt? Good question. My only real answer is that I'm not quite sure. I mean, I kinda am but then again, I doubt just how much I really know about myself. Not just a little! more like all the damn time.

Although Valentines Day was thought up of to make a ton of money, it gives people who usually aren't into the mushy romantic crap (guilty) the opportunity to do so and not really compromise who they are. Did that make any sense? Its just a good day to be able to call up anyone, an old friend, mom, coworker etc, and tell 'em you appreciate them or (drum roll, please) that you love them and not seem like a creep who needs to go over the sexual harassment handbook. nuff said!

the self inflicted pressure of making my first entry a god one is killing me. too many thoughts speeding in my head. not many good ones. i've decided to keep it short and sweet. i look forward to learning more about people (and myself along the way) via LJ.